Lost Without You
by Stargazer22123
Summary: Derek thinks about the mistakes he's made in the past.


_Lost Without You_ __.com/watch?v=p8jp-vn-HiM

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes

_A little righteous and too proud_

_I just want to find a way to compromise_

'_cause I believe that we can work things out_

_I thought I had all the answers never giving in_

_But baby since you've gone I admit I was wrong_

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye_

_Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

_How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues_

_Baby I'm so lonely all the time _

_Everywhere I go I get so confused_

_You're the only thing that's on my mind_

_Oh my beds so cold at night I miss you more each day_

_Only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say_

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye_

_Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

_If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away _

_Can't stop the tears from running down my face_

_Oh_

_All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie_

_How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side_

_If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye_

_Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you_

_I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you_

– _Delta Goodrem_

_**I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes**_

_**A little righteous and too proud**_

_**I just want to find a way to compromise**_

'_**cause I believe that we can work things out**_

Derek shivered slightly as his bare back hit the metal of the doorjamb as he leaned back against the trailer. Derek looked out over the lake watching the mist rise as he continued to puff on the cigar between his lips. Derek subconsciously swirled the scotch in his glass as he ran his free hand through his unruly hair. Derek swept his foot across the smooth planks of the deck scratching his heel along the edge of the board. Derek smiled as he got lost in his thoughts thinking of all those little things that first intrigued Meredith to him.

Derek's breath puffed out as he thinks of some memories from the early days in their relationship, before the invasion of Addison coming and bursting their bubble. He smiles as he remembers walking into the intern's locker room and letting her know that it wasn't the chase; it wasn't the thrill of the chase. It wasn't a game to him. That it was her tiny ineffectual fists, and her hair. It smelled nice, some kind of flower, which he knows now, is lavender, and that she was bossy, kept him in line. Derek sighed and ran his hand through his hair once again before lifting the glass of scotch to his lips and taking a long swallow. Derek barely even flinched as it burned its way down his throat.

Derek smiled as he puffed on the cigar thinking of how uncomplicated things were then. Then frowned when he thought about what his actions did that broke them. He should have told Meredith the truth right from the beginning, when he had decided to pursue her when he saw her in the hospital. Life would have been so much less complicated if he'd been honest about his past.

_**I thought I had all the answers never giving in**_

_**But baby since you've gone I admit I was wrong**_

Derek shook his head to rid himself of the dark thoughts of what ifs and if haves. Draining the glass of scotch Derek leaned down and put the glass on the deck, his unbuckled belt tinkling against the buttons of his undone 501s. Stretching back up on the balls of his feet Derek scratched his bare midriff then headed over to the edge of the deck and sat down dangling his legs over the edge. His bare feet tickling the dew covered grass. Now that his one hand was free of the scotch glass he constantly ran it through his hair in agitation as he grew angry with himself for leading first Meredith then Addison on the way he had. He thought he was taking the high road when he went back to Addison but in reality he hurt all three of them each day that he spent with Addison yearning and craving to be with Meredith.

_**All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie**_

_**How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side**_

_**If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye**_

_**Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you**_

_**I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you**_

_**I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you**_

Derek grimaced and winced as he continued down the dark path of regret. Regret for his many mistakes he made since he arrived in Seattle. Sighing he puffed once again from the cigar and dragged his fingers through his hair pulling at the tangled mass. Derek relived the conversation he had with Addison at Christmastime when they had been 'trying'. Derek remembers meeting Addison at Joes, and remembers that he had not been at all in the Christmas spirit. "_Christmas Derek. We love Christmas. At least we used to_." Addison responded to Derek's glumness. In response Derek had sighed and then spoke up. "_Yeah. Christmas makes you want to be with people you love…I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you. Because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you." _Picking up a small branch that had landed on the deck Derek broke it into three and methodically threw it as far as he could hearing each piece land far off in the woods. Silently Derek cursed himself for creating more pain for them all as he stupidly stayed with Addison.

_**How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues**_

_**Baby I'm so lonely all the time **_

_**Everywhere I go I get so confused**_

_**You're the only thing that's on my mind**_

Derek heaved in anguish as he remembered the heart wrenching pain he felt when he realized that Meredith was the woman in the other OR holding onto a live bomb. That knowledge had shoved Derek into overdrive as he worked diligently on Tucker Jones. Derek smiled slightly thinking about how the whole OR had reacted when they finally realized that he was operating on Bailey's husband. Derek stubbed out the cigar and dropped off the edge of the deck jolting slightly as his feet hit the cold grass. With a burst of energy Derek strode with purpose down to the lake and stood at the waters edge watching the glass like surface. Bending down Derek picked up a handful of pebbles and slowly skipped them across the lake breaking the serenity of moments before. Slowly the worry of what could have happened that day eased, and Derek began to relax, but only long enough for him to remember another time that he nearly lost her. After his handful of pebbles was gone, Derek turned back and walked towards the trailer. Pausing to watch the clouds flit over the almost full moon Derek breathed in the fresh air as the tumulus thoughts ran rampant in his head. Holding back the tears the memories of Meredith's drowning and breathing life back into her brought upon him, he nearly crumbled on the spot as his grief flooded his heart and soul. Derek paused to regulate his breathing before he continued walking.

_**Oh my beds so cold at night I miss you more each day**_

Only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say

As Derek walked past the trailer and down the worn path through the woods he dropped his head in shame recalling his time when he took space to think about the position of Chief of Surgery. He knows now that he shouldn't have needed space to make his decision. Meredith should have been his first priority and his knowledge of what the job had done to Richard's marriage should have put a halt on all his thoughts and actions vying for the position. Yes originally the thought of becoming Chief of Surgery was one of the things that lured him to Seattle, but Meredith could give him all he wanted in his personal life. Now that he looks back at what he did once again to their relationship he'd like to kick himself in the butt. Derek nodded his head in acknowledgement of how Meredith tried to communicate with him. Without straight out saying it she told him that she needed him that him not being in her bed at night was not okay. When he didn't pick up her phone calls, she was worried about him. Derek's spine tingled as he remembered her nails scraping along his scalp as she ran her fingers through his hair when she found him in his trailer. Shaking the thoughts away Derek pressed forward through the woods and came out into the clearing.

_**All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie**_

_**How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side**_

_**If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye**_

_**Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you**_

_**I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you**_

I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

Tears began to stream down Derek's cheeks as he recalled the wedding that never was. The day that so many things ended. _"It's over, so over,"_ rang clearly through Derek's ears. The voice so clear that it sounded like it was just over his shoulder. Whipping his head around Derek glanced over his shoulder expecting to see Meredith standing there repeating those words once again. Derek's shoulders shuddered as he continued crying. Finally pressing the palms of his hands to his eyes to stem the flow of tears he took a couple steps forward before his knees buckled slightly. Taking a few deep breathes Derek calmed his breathing down, and controlled his crying before he continued forward.

_**If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away **_

_**Can't stop the tears from running down my face**_

Oh

Derek walked around the clearing, remembering his promise to Meredith that once they got the virus right and their patient lived that they would have a victory celebration with champagne. Smiling Derek thought of the surprise he had when he returned to the trailer after hours of searching for Meredith only to find that she had been waiting for him all along in the one place he never thought to look. The beautiful image of her standing amongst the candles that outlined their future house, their future lives together. Derek stood at the edge of the cliff overlooking Seattle.

_**All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie**_

_**How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side**_

_**If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye**_

_**Don't know what I'd do, I'm lost without you**_

_**I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you**_

**I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you**

Derek stood mesmerized watching the twinkling lights of the city below. Derek didn't know how long stood there watching life continue on. Derek smiled as he felt arms wrap around his torso from behind. Derek turned his head slightly and smiled down.

"Are you trying to get sick Derek? Out here with wearing practically nothing, you know the me that is me loves that the you that is you is wearing so little, but seriously Derek roaming around the construction site in the middle of the night isn't safe. What if you'd gotten injured?" Meredith reprimanded.

Derek smiled and turned so he could wrap his arms around Meredith, smirking as he took notice of the fact that she was barely clothed herself in his dress shirt. Leaning down to kiss Meredith he whispered breathlessly afterwards. "I love you Meredith, forever."


End file.
